Okay, as requested, here is the version I read and revised, with both broad commentary and specific explanations for the changes I made. If for some reason Kylink does not want this public, feel free to edit or delete my post.
Changes italicized, comments bolded. Nice job overall
Chapter 1: Revolution at OswynThe city of Falchion stood like a jewel of civility and law to the people of the world. To these people, living in their dirty cabins and poor farmhouses, this shining city stood on the horizon, beckoning for a new life where the poor could become rich and happiness would follow. A town built of first age men, it had expanded from its glorious roots to a fervent and bustling metropolis of invention and forward-thinking revolution. Beyond the defensive walls that protected the city was what seemed a sea of stone and people. Beyond that sea was the Falchioncastrum; the fortification that overlooked the city from a higher plateau.
This enormous, noble creation was an awe-inspiring sight, a testament to the monument of man and his ability to create beauty. (I think this section flows better when the sentences are combined, and the length of the sentence helps up the sense of grandeur. Also, fantastic description!) Despite its
wondrous architecture you use the word "elegant" a lot in the next paragraph it also was fortified as a place of defense. A deep moat surrounded the castle, while the gate was able to be lowered and raised at any time quicker than any before it.
Murder holes were built into the sides of the castle so that (there's actually a correct term for that, lol) archers could hide and attack without anyone knowing their whereabouts. Even when the city had been attacked hundreds of years ago by both the Hermundi and the Gearre, the Falchioncastrum had survived, and become a turning point in taking back the city.
To someone walking into the Falchioncastrum, there were two large pillars, holding the Demuswert, or upper levels of the palace. Although the main floor and basements were the defensive levels, the Demuswert held the judicial level, and highest of all, the nobility level.
A long and
ornate (word repetition) staircase wound up to a balcony overlooking the first floor. Inside an elegantly large doorway was the judicial hall. 51 people sat on long benches, curving around the semi-circle of a room. Each were members of the judicial party who saw the legal activities of Falchion, and it’s surrounding province. They sat arranged in levels, with the most people on the outside, and the least on the inside. They all sat pointed at nine high thrones, with the center one being the most remarkable and impressive. On each throne sat a weathered old man clad in white; each with a scepter in hand. They were the White Judges, the grand marshals of law and order in the land,
who were enlightened and had become one with the Great Spirit (in ur sentences, improvin ur flow.) When someone was convicted of a crime, or a law would be passed, they were the ones to decide upon what would occur. The judicial men sat quietly or talked amongst themselves. From outside the hall, a soldier cupped his hands and spoke.
“Rise for his lord and majesty, King Andrew of Falchion!â€
The king stood as tall and noble as his castle. He was large, and old, but he was adorned with Gold and Silver. He held a long and brilliant crystal sword in one hand, and a scepter in the other. Walking in, he smiled earthly and warm to the members of his nobility caste. It was silent as he walked up to his center throne.
“I welcome you, my guests and loyal servants, to our humble home.†He spoke loud and confidently, “I, King Andrew IV of Falchion, have come upon you today to talk about a looming threat to us as a people and
to our well being.â€
The eight white judges sat concentrating on King Andrew and his speech.
“The monastery of Oswyn has long been a secret and distant part of our
country of Falchion. Although they claim good will to the people and our nation, they repeatedly tax the lowest farmers and people who cannot continue to live while giving what they own to the richest nobles. It has come to my attention that the holy grounds of Oswyn, set upon by our ancestors, the Ariagoths
(your names are so awesome!), has become tainted. They have set up massive tunnels and factories that destroy the wilderness and eat up the forest. Black smoke billows into the sky and pollutes our land. Nearby crops are ruined and yet they-“ King Andrew looked to his left. The White Judge, Lord Fletcher, had his hand on King Andrew’s shoulder.
“My people.†Lord Fletcher announced, “Long have I looked over the holiest grounds of Oswyn. We as the diligent and powerful judges are wise and knowledgeable about such things. I must make sure that you, my children, must know that Oswyn is still a vestibule of the Father and a sacred site.â€
King Andrew got up and coughed loudly. Fletcher sat down and crossed his hands across his chest. The people of the judicial hall looked confusedly at this exchange between their king and the highest of the holy judges.
“We must make sure our land is kept with it’s power in check-“
Another judge spoke, “My flock, listen to my words. You must trust that we, as the deciders of law know what is just and holy. The land of Oswyn shall remain untouched.â€
The King looked perturbed by these comments. He stood up and made his last statement, “I will leave this discussion back to my disciples, seeing as they have already taken it upon themselves to discuss it anyway.†The King walked back down off his throne and was escorted by the knights once again out of the Judicial hall.
The other members began talking fervently. (breaks like this in your paragraphs can emphasize or add finality to a scene. I decided to add this, along with removing some word repetition.)* * *
The prince of Falchion, Cole, sat in his room studying by the light of a candle. He focused on the age-old texts, but couldn’t comprehend what they were talking about. Cole took off his glasses and eyed the package that had come earlier that day. It was a practice sword, crafted out of beautiful wood and sent to him by a master of sword making. The sword was only available for someone of nobility, and Cole was accustomed to this kind of special treatment. It had been his birthday two days earlier, and he had a whole event devoted to him. Many nobles had come far and wide to rain riches and elegant gifts down upon him. Once again, it had been a time for Cole to take the gifts, put them in his room and wonder why people in the streets starved while he had his life handed to him in gold.
(last line=fuckwin. Like, wow. Really!) His room was adorned with the niceties of royalty. There were statues of old heroes and paintings depicting Cole’s ancestors and relatives. His room was far above the ground, on the third level of the Demuswert. He looked out on the buildings in the city through his window. They were nice and quant for the main road, but to his eyes, the insides of the city were filled with poor and decrepit buildings. Many were falling apart or abandoned. He watched a bird flutter about on a roof, eating discarded food. It was black
(nice representation of the poor scrounging to get by...pretty clever 
),but resembled a blue jay despite its darker color.(in ur sentences, improvin ur flow.) As he saw it peck at the food on the roof of that small building when he heard a knock on his door. He sprung up to get it.
“Hello?â€
“It’s your father.â€
Cole opened up the door, and the King was standing there, with considerably less noble clothing. He strolled in and looked around the room distantly. King Andrew began to rifle through the pages of the book on the table nonchalantly as Cole sat down.
“Ah, I see you are reading ‘The Source’ by Duke August. I remember reading that when I was a lad. How are you liking it?â€
“Uh…do you want me to be honest?†Cole responded.
“What do you dislike about it?â€
“Oh…well…It’s just very hard to follow. I don’t really find most of
it that interesting, it just doesn’t seem very…real.â€
“Hmm…I agree.â€
Cole’s eyes filled with glee, “Really!?â€
“Yes, Cole. You see, ‘The Source’ is supposed to be a representation of the origin of our world by the White Judges and their disciples. A lot of it seems very fictitious though. That’s probably why I was never one to be a part of the White Judge’s church. I think this is why they don’t like me.â€
Cole looked puzzled. “What do you mean the White Judges don’t like you?â€
King Andrew sighed. “I’m going to be honest with you Cole, and I want you to listen. I want you to listen good. This nation of Falchion is a wreck. The people live like prisoners. They can’t make enough money to live comfortably, and when they do, they have to give it to the church as taxes. I’m planning to change this. I’m going to separate the White Judges from the law system of our government.â€
“What? Really?â€
“Just listen.†King Andrew looked nervously behind him. This was the most disheveled that Cole had ever seen his father. “Today, I decided to talk about the Church of Oswyn
, how they're (combining the sentences makes the dialogue seem more natural for someone who is "disheveled") taking money from the peasant class and claiming wealth for themselves in the name of The Great Spirit. Not only that, but they have a huge factory at that site
(what site?) that is working on something…very foul. Now…you must promise me you won’t talk to anyone about what I am about to tell you.â€
“But-“
“Just promise me.â€
Cole sighed heavily. He nodded his head. “I promise.â€
“Good. I journeyed into the Oswyn factory in the dead of night in disguise. They are doing something…terrible in there. I was suspicious when there was a major break out of
the castle dungeons,(fits the setting better, plus "my jail" sounds kind of odd, haha but I found out what happened. It seems that the Church of Oswyn has taken some of our criminals and started to experiment on them. The results have been…disturbing. There were men there chained up who seemed less human than animal. I believe that they are using a supernatural force to experiment on these people. I found this-“ He fished into a deep pocket and pulled out a bright red stone. “You have to hold onto this for me. I think it’s very important.â€
King Andrew got up and walked to the door quickly. He was about to open it and stopped. “Cole…I know you are worried about taking over the throne one day. But it is your blood duty. You are of Kings…even if you don’t think so. I am going to stop the Church of Oswyn, even if I must die. I know that soon things may get difficult, but you have to stay strong.â€
Cole stared in disbelief at his father. Why was he telling him this? He barely spoke to him like he was his son his whole life, and suddenly he was telling Cole his secret plans. King Andrew turned around right before leaving.
“Oh, and if anything should happen…go to the Windfire Tavern. I have a friend there, named Knives. He knows what’s going on. Just tell him that Vash sent you. And, Cole?â€
“Yes?â€
“If anything bad happens, make sure people don’t know you are the prince. A huge price will be on your head, you know that."
He paused for a moment. Cole thought he sensed something on the tip of his father's tongue, but there was nothing. Finally, Andrew spoke.
"Goodbye.†(again with the paragraph breaks. Also, I tried to prolong the moment a bit to enhance the apparent finality of his words.) With that, King Andrew raced out the door. Cole walked over to the window and got his breath. How could his father try and overturn the government? Cole knew that he, as the son of the king, would have to take over if anything happened. It made himself sick to his stomach. He leaned out the window. It was dark now, but he could still see a little. He looked over to where that large, black bird had been. He squinted to see what was there. It definitely wasn’t a bird. He looked closer and something in the shape of a man stared up at him. Cole froze, knowing that something was watching him. The man-shape started to writhe around and Cole shut the window quickly, turned off the lights and raced to his bed. [/b]Creepy.[/b]
Out of the window, a black bird flew in the direction of the Oswyn Church. Revolution was closer than Lord Andrew had expected.
Nice finish!------------------------------
Overall, this is excellent writing. A couple broader suggestions:
- Personally, I don't like broad descriptions of settings, such as the Falchionastrum foyer section, where you elaborate on the staircase and such. I prefer to reveal things like this bit by bit, though obviously a general overview, such as in the opening, is necessary to set the scene. This varies from writer to writer, obviously, but it's just what I like to do.
- King Andrew is obviously a very smart guy, and he possesses an almost omniscient quality that I think is really cool. However, I think in a conversation with a father and a son, the tone should be a little less formal.
Now, some things I really liked:
- The scene in the judicial chamber is pretty tense. I would personally extend it, but you've definitely got an eye for stuff like this.
- Cole's dialogue, what little he has, makes him seem ever-so-slightly unsure about himself. If this is intentional, keep it up. If it's not, keep it up anyway...it could be an interesting flaw in his character, as well as an internal conflict for him to overcome.
- You've been very clever so far in integrating the names of members into the story without it being jarring. Might want to change my weaponry if I'm going by Knives now, obviously
- You seem to be aiming for a more politically driven story, and I like that a lot. The writer who most inspires the more fantastical stuff I write, George R. R. Martin, does a similar thing with his
A Song of Ice and Fire series: he balances the whimsical with the worldly. It's what I was doing with a fantasy project I started a while back (on hold right now, unfortunately). I highly recommend you read the series sometime, despite each volume's enormous size: it's currently four books and around 4500 pages in size, but the pages fly by. The first novel is called
A Game of Thrones, and it goes for around 8 bucks here in the States in paperback.
This is looking to be very cool so far. You've got a lot of foreshadowing, conflict from numerous sources, delicious political corruption, and some promising characters. I can't wait to read the rest of this!
